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Just Jen
Careful with the pretty things

Monday, October 31, 2005
October 29, 2005
Happy First Birthday!





The boy's first birthday party was quite a success. I'm not a party-thrower, and I was overly anxious about fitting everyone in the house and having enough food, etc., but it all worked out perfectly and the weather couldn't have been nicer.


My Dad had the video camera in hand during most of the party, and I'm eager to see the results. I think there's a lot I missed just because I was so busy.


Ryder received lots of great gifts, one of which was a new red wagon. He loves it almost as much as he loves cake and having everyone sing to him at school ...





... and he loves sharing it, too.







Friday, October 28, 2005
In about 14 and a half hours, it will be one year ago since we were blessed with this little nubber:





Water yours with Miracle Gro and you, too, can get the results displayed in the photos posted Monday.


Yes, this week's posts are dedicated entirely to my sunshine.


Monday, October 24, 2005
My boy is eight days shy of being one year old in the photos below. It's now five days until his birthday.






Friday, October 21, 2005
I think I needed a new template. I never really cared for the blue one anyway.

I am happy today.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005
"To bear the weight
and push it to the sky
it's easier to lie.

And honestly, to look you in the eye,
it's easier to lie."


~ Aqualung


Sunday, October 16, 2005
We saw the movie, and it freaking wore me out. It was good though.


Friday, October 14, 2005
I have resolved my issue. I am better now. I am no longer apologizing for stuff like the fact that I doubt we'll choose godparents because we're not even close to being Catholic, and really, I mean, I just don't feel like picking out someone for social purposes to take care of my kid if I died tomorrow. I'm working on a will, which will outline exactly who would raise my boy in the event of both Brian and my untimely demise. But I used to think I couldn't write that here until I broke the chains of love. Don't give up.

Also, I'm a godmother myself, even though I'm not Catholic and neither is anyone in my godchild's family. I'm OK with that because I believe to each his own. You can do what you want to do with your kid; I'm just not picking godparents. And if you wonder why, since I feel this way, that I agreed to be a godmama in the first place, let me explain by saying that it was nine years ago. What the fuck did you know nine years ago? Not that I regret it because I certainly do not ... but didn't I just say I'm not apologizing anymore?

Fucking the Domino movie comes out this weekend. I am so seeing it just to prove I can follow through (see post from Aug. 23). That's not really the reason, but if it were, I might mention that I finished reading Dry, and upon Luckey's suggestion read the author's first memoir. I think I liked it even better. I've now almost finished this memoir. Do you see a theme here? Yeah, memoirs.

Have a good weekend. It's beautiful outside.


Tuesday, October 11, 2005
I'm feeling torn about the blog. I've analyzed all this before, but apparently it's worth re-visiting.

What you get here is only part of my life. I suppose it's true of all the blogs, but at some point this was less censored. One reason I loved Cookie (who disappeared) and I am fond of Sister Golden Hair is because those bitches share the ugly. They share the dirt. For some reason, I don't feel like I can here, and part of my reason for blogging has to do with the beneficial effects of unloading. I feel like starting over.

I have secrets. Secrets I don't want people I know to know, secrets I don't want people I slept with to know, and incidentally, both visit here.

Everything I've shared has been accurate and true. All of the good is true; I just can't share the bad, and I'm sick of painting a fucking rainbow picture. I'm sick of feeling like I have to, though it's my own fault I feel this way just like it's my own fault that I feel like I have to be perfect all the time. I am not perfect, but you probably know that.

One other truth I'd like to share -- my boy is the light of my life. He is also a constant source of worry and has made me vulnerable to a kind of heartache that I previously could not have imagined. He has blessed me with new definitions of joy and love, and I am so very thankful. I am thankful.


Thursday, October 06, 2005
My troubles? Tomorrow. Tubes.


From an old friend:

jennifer, I'm staring out into the same sort of wilderness, the same sort from the first time I reached out to you. Remember that it was a big green hill, and a highway ran through the middle of it, and it was so green and autumn at the time, and those paper cups of coffee were so fantastic in my blood ... Just know that I have been wrangling with a sort of self deception that I've never known ... it's like out of nowhere I've become this second guessing shadow ... I want so much to be what I can, but all that bubbles to surface is rudimentary and dull, with big grins as (let me get to safety) I miss you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, and am infiltrated with dreams of you ... I will be coming home soon, and hopefully I can bring wine and a casserole and can sit and view this new life. I hope B is good. Don't be pissed at me, please ... I know I sort of hankered out when the times got really interesting, but jesus christ ...