A couple of random things. I saw two movies this weekend; if you look at that in one way, it's quite an accomplishment. If you look at it in another, well, shit, then I'll end up feeling guilty and worrying that I've lost my pre-qualified candidacy for mother-of-the-year.

I've been told that I have so much self-imposed guilt that I'm an honorary member of the Catholic church. Sort of like those people that get degrees without having to actually attend college. Yeah, something like that. What's that called?

Shit, nearly three hours have passed, and I'm just now getting back to this draft of a post. Writing quickly didn't happen for me today.

There just aren't words, people.

If I want to continue to post with any sort of frequency, I've concluded that I simply must write faster -- I must write faster while maintaining some level of quality. This could be a true challenge.

I'm watching these words appear on our new 19 inch flat screen monitor. FINALLY, we've replaced the home computer that had been on the outs for way too long. FINALLY, the camera memory stick can once again be popped directly into the computer so that I can access photos of The Amazing Cannonball. I don't have to use the work laptop to get on the Internet at home. It's a beautiful time in our house.

Now on to more interesting topics. Today, I shall bore you not with talk of chicken croissant. I shall bore you with what Ryder's been eating instead.

Up until our trip to Ohio, Ryder had ingested nothing other than breastmilk. The kid was more than three months old, and I was very proud of the fact that those fat rolls could be attributed directly to my boobs. Look at him! He weighed 14 lbs. already. All because of my boobs. Seriously, you'll never understand the pride I felt until you make something grow with your own boobs. So as I was saying, up until our trip to Ohio, all credit goes to my mammary system. And then I got the stomach bug. Again. And at 10:30 in the evening, I went to feed the boy, and he began screaming with frustration and anger. I decided to try pumping to see if I could get any milk out for him, but there was nothing. I was empty. And considering how I'd emptied most of my body fluid into a toilet throughout the day, it shouldn't have been a surprise.

So it's 10:30 p.m., the kid's hungry, and my boobs won't function properly. Enter Similac Advance with Iron. You don't have any idea how heartbreaking it was for me to feed him that first bottle of FORMULA. But you do what you gotta do, and you wait for the boobs to make more milk, which they did eventually.

Since our trip to Ohio, I've continued to nurse and Ryder's still primarily a breastfed baby. We do, however, give him formula in the evening. This allows me to build up my back-up supply of milk again by pumping (since it was depleted as a result of the devastation of the first stomach bug), and also, well ... baby sleeps better if his last feeding is formula. Apparently formula is heavier and takes longer to digest than breastmilk, so all three of us get more uninterrupted sleep this way.

I know I'm probably not going to breastfeed for an entire year. I never expected that I would or that I'd even want to. I originally thought, if I make it six weeks -- great. If I can make it three months, then that's awesome and I can quit without guilt. BUT, if I make it six months, then I'm a true rock star, an over-achieving, pre-qualified candidate for mother of the year. And at the end of that time, I will really, truly deserve a stiff drink. Which I will have after safely transporting Ryder to grandma's house.

These are the types of worries that fill up a great deal of my time. I worry about nursing, I worry if there's too much poo (does he have the stomach bug?), I worry if there's not enough poo. I worry if my favorite teacher of his isn't there when I drop him off in the a.m. (is she coming today???), I worry if my dad lets him nap too long. The switch never goes to "off." And this is how life is from here on, I believe. It's how it is, and you can't complain, because that baby's smile makes it every bit worth it.

My hands are frozen. And really, I've got little else to tell you. According to comments one might think there aren't many people reading anyway, so well, so "there's that." My visitors are simply quiet folk.

So, I feel obligated to bore you with the fact I've had the following for lunch three days in a row: Chicken breast on a croissant w/melted American cheese, lettuce, pickles and honey mustard. Three. Days. In. A. Row.

I wish I could honor Presidents on Monday. Perhaps I'll simply continue to honor the Chicken Croissant. At least it should be good for ratings.

I just sent out the cutest bunch of Valentine cards you ever did see. Yes, we're keeping Hallmark in business and placing the blame on our child.

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott
Sent: Tuesday, February 08, 2005 2:48 PM
To: Jennifer

Did you have a fun trip? Wanna do lunch later this week?

-----Original Message-----
From: Jennifer
Sent: Tuesday, February 08, 2005 2:57 PM
To: Scott

This week is bad, bad, bad, and the fault is mostly to be blamed on the trip, trip, trip.

Which wasn't very good. Because I got sick and remained sick for four days. Which was either sickness or anxiety or both. Because I've determined I have a severe case of OCD and trips and houseguests and things that disrupt my routine are very upsetting to me.

I'm introspective today. And a bit skittish.
And I'm getting too skinny. Mostly because my kid's a leech and also because I can't keep anything on my stomach.

That is all.

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott
Sent: Tuesday, February 08, 2005 3:28 PM
To: Jennifer

Too skinny?

Try to take it easy. Maybe sometime next week.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jennifer
Sent: Tuesday, February 08, 2005 3:36 PM
To: Scott

That's all you have for me? I spill my neurotic guts, and you say, "Perhaps next week?"

You're a good friend. Yes, perhaps next week.

I have been traveling the country with three-month-old babe in tow. I have been to Cincinnati and back again. I have been trying to get online and work some remotely, with little luck. I have also lost half my body weight to yet another stomach bug.

I am reminded that Prozac Nation is a really good book.

Judy, the woman who took Ellie Cat Saturday, called last night as she said she would to report on how Ellie's adjusting. Good news! She's doing very well and is showing no signs of the previous behavioral problem she was having at home. Judy's daughter is in love with Ellie, and as Judy said, "She's part of our family now."

I can't tell you how happy that phone conversation made me. It seems this was likely the best thing for all involved, and especially for Eleanor.